I am sore, wounded, ruptured, damaged, cut, ripped and bruised several
times by several people. And I feel the pain. When I feel the pain I know I exist and when I don’t, well, I just get suspended in some other volatile dimension. This dimension gives me copious amount of relief, as everything passes by right before my eyes and yet I don't feel them just like they don't feel me. My receptacles stop working, my brain gets blocked and yet sadly enough my heart doesn't stop beating. My heart, that bastard that made me choose the wrong people all my life. Well there are certain people I didn't get to choose like my family for instance, millions of years of genetic shuffling made them who they are. I know that is true for everybody, it is true for you, for her and him, for the tiniest to the mightiest living being on this planet. None of us get to choose our family or our childhood or most things things in life, I guess. Don't agree with me?
You are product of your choices not a victim of your circumstances, is that what you think? Is that what you really think?
I don't remember the exact time when my anguish lost it's tactility and stopped making a difference to people. Like a man in his death bed I can see vignettes of my vapid life flash before my eyes and all I see is betrayal.
Wallowing in self-pity never helps. I have read that in many motivational books, blogs, audio tapes etc but never quite understood it. Here are a few things that people have advised me to do when I have hit the low points in my life-
1. Exercise- I spend an hour and a half exercising - DOESN'T HELP.
2. Be with positive people/ people who care about you- I don't know any.
3. Learn to forgive yourself- This is really the funniest of all. What's there to beg self-forgiveness for when I haven't done anything wrong?
4. Engage in an activity you are really passionate about- Suppose I am passionate about being sad?
5. Get a puppy- I'd love to. Will my family allow? NOPE.
My gift/ curse is that I always use the Socratic school of thought to evaluate my milieu. This dialectical device helps me question myself, the people around me and my circumambient in general. I get down to the brass tacks and start questioning them mentally. Even though I never seem to find a concrete answer, I really enjoy putting myself through the wringer (you could call it my hobby).
Why did it happen to me? Why am I suffering so much? Why did he/she have to leave me when I needed him/her the most? Why don't I have a more balanced environment at home?
Anyway these questions are devoid of answers so let's move on, shall we?
So what next? I will continue to do what I came here to do. I would help people when I can, I would allow myself to trust people if I can, I would let myself breathe, I would walk until my legs hurt, I would always endeavor to find the true meaning and purpose of life, I would do everything that everybody does, except I'd always feel the same agony burning inside me.
And right now I am going to listen to Carmina Burana. I find the words do powerful and ferocious, I feel chills of dark romanticism resonating all over my body.
You are product of your choices not a victim of your circumstances, is that what you think? Is that what you really think?
I don't remember the exact time when my anguish lost it's tactility and stopped making a difference to people. Like a man in his death bed I can see vignettes of my vapid life flash before my eyes and all I see is betrayal.
Wallowing in self-pity never helps. I have read that in many motivational books, blogs, audio tapes etc but never quite understood it. Here are a few things that people have advised me to do when I have hit the low points in my life-
1. Exercise- I spend an hour and a half exercising - DOESN'T HELP.
2. Be with positive people/ people who care about you- I don't know any.
3. Learn to forgive yourself- This is really the funniest of all. What's there to beg self-forgiveness for when I haven't done anything wrong?
4. Engage in an activity you are really passionate about- Suppose I am passionate about being sad?
5. Get a puppy- I'd love to. Will my family allow? NOPE.
My gift/ curse is that I always use the Socratic school of thought to evaluate my milieu. This dialectical device helps me question myself, the people around me and my circumambient in general. I get down to the brass tacks and start questioning them mentally. Even though I never seem to find a concrete answer, I really enjoy putting myself through the wringer (you could call it my hobby).
Why did it happen to me? Why am I suffering so much? Why did he/she have to leave me when I needed him/her the most? Why don't I have a more balanced environment at home?
Anyway these questions are devoid of answers so let's move on, shall we?
So what next? I will continue to do what I came here to do. I would help people when I can, I would allow myself to trust people if I can, I would let myself breathe, I would walk until my legs hurt, I would always endeavor to find the true meaning and purpose of life, I would do everything that everybody does, except I'd always feel the same agony burning inside me.
And right now I am going to listen to Carmina Burana. I find the words do powerful and ferocious, I feel chills of dark romanticism resonating all over my body.
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