Debacle that helped me recuperate from my initial setback

Try this. If you are not able to deal with some intense agony, try 

inflicting a different kind of pain on yourself, you'd completely forget about your fundamental anguish. Like for instance, three weeks back I wasn't able to deal with the loss of a three year old relationship, then I started talking to a friend who initially showed a great deal of interest on me but when I did not seem like a difficult catch, he severed all his ties with me in a jiffy. I can't explain this but I started having feelings for this guy right after my breakup, is that strange? Well I don't understand myself, how am I supposed to understand the world. And now that this one is gone I feel a sharp sense of rejection. I have felt this before and it never felt good. Funnily enough, this time it feels good to get jilted the second time. This time getting vetoed wasn't bad at all. I won't say I wasn't disappointed, I was extremely disappointed. Nonetheless, since I'm focusing on this debacle so much the previous setback is slowly phasing out.

Reboundish relationships are extremely bad! Well Bill was a friend and then we got a little tender-hearted over time this was also during the time when I was utterly frustrated with Carrick. Bill said all the flirtatious things I couldn't utter 'cause I had moral obligations towards Carrick but I never stopped him from flirting 'cause I enjoyed being praised and fussed over a little. Somehow I couldn't sink low enough to reciprocate to his flirty moves even though I wanted to.

After Carrick and I broke up, Bill and I started talking more and I got extremely flirty. Why? Because I could, right? Don’t get me wrong. I wasn't looking for a rebound, I just wanted to have some innocuous fun. However this time, although Bill loves talking to me but he changes the subject when I get coquettish. And if at any point of time I start getting frisky which I think is pretty normal he starts talking about religious cults (he is not religious at all, just curious to know about different things) and veganism (He is strictly preaches veganism, so much so, that he wants the world to follow a vegan diet). 

The situation seems a bit complicated. There isn't just one possibility of what he might be thinking.

1. He may be playing "hard to get", because I didn't reciprocate his 

"advances" in the beginning, he might be doing the same to me now that I'm taking some initiative.

2. He may not be interested in me romantically at all. He may have had an infatuation over me in the past, but now he is over it.

The other night I felt that his words both in spoken and written forms may have been made florid and cater to what I wanted to hear. But I seriously don’t know if there is any other interpretation to “I really love you, I have never met anyone like you”, especially when it is said with full sincerity and without any equivocation.

Last night when I got teeny bit kittenish on phone, he said I made him feel unsexy and perhaps blocking his sexual receptacles. I was terrified beyond explicable terms. How come this guy who claimed  to be in love with me got turned off by my advances? Am I not alluring anymore?

Although I completely understand the ephemera of this relationship- it is an open relationship and I seriously cannot see my future with him but I want to be happy for the time being. I really like Bill. Yes I do! 

Let me explain the extent of openness in this relationship. He is allowed to have sex 'cause he has the avenues and more importantly the desire to have sex. I neither have the avenues nor the slightest desire to have sex with a guy I don’t have feelings for. I don’t have problems with him having sex with another chick not because I don't love him. I do love him but at the same time I want him to be happy and all I demand from him is some affection. I just want some freaking affection and kindness.

I am just confused with all the dichotomy on Bills's part that's all. 

On one hands he keep insisting that he loves me and on the other hand he doesn't wanna get into profound romantic talks. He insists on talking about a plethora of things like sports cars, spaceships , aliens, freemasonry, veganism and so forth. Now the only problem is that I don't know much about the aforementioned things. 

I am not immensely upset with his wishy-washy reaction, just a little confused about the human race in general.  No matter what, I’d still talk to him about generic things, I shall not talk about love, kindness, expectations, sexpectations etc . There has to be an end to my neediness.

I have decided not to make any moves from my side if at all we talk again and it is not difficult 'cause I don't have a strong sense of attachment to him (Perhaps I do love him but maybe it is a different kind of love and I can't put a finger on it). The only good outcome out of all this is the lessening of the sense of loss since Carrick left.

Oh by the way I unwittingly called him Carrick last night and he is such a cool kid, he didn't have the slightest problem with that. In fact he started laughing, perhaps he doesn't care enough to take the thing seriously. 

I am not exactly sure what Bill and I expect from each other. With me and Carrick, it was different. I had an idea I was not happy. I had a specific problem to remind myself constantly. With Bill  it is just a speculation. 

But if I am  enjoying our lukewarm amor I must go ahead and grab the extra attention I am getting. As with Carrick, I am giving myself the option of acting according to my own volition. If I could snap out of a 3 year old relationship appox) I can certainly come out of an hour long telephonic monologue.

I can almost see a pattern here, I make boyfriends from the new world, they promises to come with extreme sincerity and they never show up. It’s my opinion that a relation won't last if there is no scope for physical proximity (don't confuse that with intimacy).

I have too many fiascoes to count, I don't wanna go on adding to that list and last night was just another addition. I think if a person says he loves you with all his mind and heart he should  be able to show it. Bill's stupid explanation to his insipidity was that he never had such conversations on phone before. I am not at all disputing the fact that he might have had some problems when I started acting skittish all of a sudden over phone but it wasn't like I was making him do something he didn't want to do. 

He might have gotten intimidated. In fact I think both of us intimidated each other. So before delving into this any further, I should make sure what he wants from me. From what I gather, he is not sure what he feels/wants. Be that as it may, but he shouldn't have led me on during the earlier phases of our friendship.

I would lay low from now on, but if he still wants to talk without making it weird I wouldn't stop him. And if I’m  absolutely sure I don't have feelings for him, then I’d just  just sit back and enjoy and let him do the work while I can control the flow. The power of a relationship lies with whoever cares less. Perhaps the less you care the happier you are in a relationship, although there is no scientific proof to corroborate it. 

Seven days have past since we fought, now we are more friends than any anything else. I have immense respect for Bill. He  has an unendurable desire to spread knowledge about things he is so passionate about. He wants people he meets to know that they are taken seriously. I admire that quality in him. He says he sees himself just as I see him. I guess that's what makes us special. 

According to me romanticism is an obvious truism but romance is an absolute fallacy. According to Bill friendships were falsely propagated as being characterized by non-sensual attraction so basically ours is one with sensual attraction. 

Have a good good day guys, See you on the flipside (Dawww he uses this cutsie little expression a lot). 

© [Ankita Mukherjee] and [ankitamukherjee2014newnhamcambridge], [2014]. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to [Ankita Mukherjee] and [ankitamukherjee2014newnhamcambridge] with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.